Reason 3: Alcohol and Gratuities

When we first boarded the vessel, it was announced that our rooms were not ready, and we would need to go to the pool deck to wait. My party gathered around a few tables on deck and shortly after, a server started setting drinks decorated with the obligatory umbrellas in front of everyone. Someone asked, "What is this?" Someone else suggested that, "maybe it is a welcome drink like in Mexico." I took one sip of the drink, found it too sweet, and pushed it away. A few minutes later the man returned with a tab for the drink: $7.50 plus 15% gratuity. In a novel, we would call this foreshadowing. Now we just arrived, and I wanted to be cool, so I paid for it. As the week progressed, my party and I became more and more cynical about the gratuities.

The cruise line pushed alcohol like it was going out of style. Conversations were constantly interrupted so we could say, "does it really look like I need more beer? I have a bucket right in front of me." When the elevator doors opened, there was most likely a server holding a tray full of drinks. The pushers were in the lobby, in the halls, in the casino, at lunch, and at dinner. Someone in my group joked that when he stepped out of the shower there was a guy with a tray full of drinks waiting for him.

Water was around $3.50 plus 15% gratuity. Soda was around $2.00 plus 15% gratuity. Beer was between $4.50 and $6.00 plus 15% gratuity. Everything we did involved a 15% gratuity.

Additionally, I was told it illegal to bring your own alcohol on board. Hypothesis: the cruise lines hired guns to go to Washington, and lobby the legislators to protect their vessels from terrorism by forbidding passengers to bring their own Molotov cocktails. Yes, if you want to make a Molotov cocktail you must pay the cruise lines their exorbitant fee and 15 % gratuity.

Oh, on top of the nearly $200 I spent on gratuities throughout the week, I was charged an additional $70 in gratuities at the end, and given an envelope explaining that my gratuities did not cover certain people, and I should give additional gratuities to them. On top of the astronomical prices that were charged just because they could, the gratuity system left a bad taste in my mouth.

Cum Mortuis In Lingua Mortua

Although modern zymology along with the help of pubology has determined with historical precision Charlie Mops was the person who invented beer, there has been no similar determination for the fruit of the vine. Evidence suggests the ancient beverage may have been first produced by persons in what is now Georgia as early as 6000 BC, and Iran as early as 5000 BC. It was also imbibed by the ancient Greeks, Hebrews, and Egyptians, as well as others. Even with the many references to wine in ancient texts, literature, and religious writings, the specific origins of the drink are still unknown. I hope to discover its origins, as the more I imbibe, the more I hear the voices of wise and long-passed vintners, and see the scenes of ancient Bacchic revels played out in my head. I think I am close to discovering wine's origins, and invite you to join me on my journey.

Photo: Bacchus at Clos Pegase