Reason 3: Alcohol and Gratuities

When we first boarded the vessel, it was announced that our rooms were not ready, and we would need to go to the pool deck to wait. My party gathered around a few tables on deck and shortly after, a server started setting drinks decorated with the obligatory umbrellas in front of everyone. Someone asked, "What is this?" Someone else suggested that, "maybe it is a welcome drink like in Mexico." I took one sip of the drink, found it too sweet, and pushed it away. A few minutes later the man returned with a tab for the drink: $7.50 plus 15% gratuity. In a novel, we would call this foreshadowing. Now we just arrived, and I wanted to be cool, so I paid for it. As the week progressed, my party and I became more and more cynical about the gratuities.

The cruise line pushed alcohol like it was going out of style. Conversations were constantly interrupted so we could say, "does it really look like I need more beer? I have a bucket right in front of me." When the elevator doors opened, there was most likely a server holding a tray full of drinks. The pushers were in the lobby, in the halls, in the casino, at lunch, and at dinner. Someone in my group joked that when he stepped out of the shower there was a guy with a tray full of drinks waiting for him.

Water was around $3.50 plus 15% gratuity. Soda was around $2.00 plus 15% gratuity. Beer was between $4.50 and $6.00 plus 15% gratuity. Everything we did involved a 15% gratuity.

Additionally, I was told it illegal to bring your own alcohol on board. Hypothesis: the cruise lines hired guns to go to Washington, and lobby the legislators to protect their vessels from terrorism by forbidding passengers to bring their own Molotov cocktails. Yes, if you want to make a Molotov cocktail you must pay the cruise lines their exorbitant fee and 15 % gratuity.

Oh, on top of the nearly $200 I spent on gratuities throughout the week, I was charged an additional $70 in gratuities at the end, and given an envelope explaining that my gratuities did not cover certain people, and I should give additional gratuities to them. On top of the astronomical prices that were charged just because they could, the gratuity system left a bad taste in my mouth.

Shore Excursion

When I started writing this blog, the idea was to discuss cultural issues. I really didn't care who read it, it was mostly for a personal release from the anti-cultural prison I live in. Not many people regularly read my blog, except my circle- howdy y'all.

Now that I have propounded a few entries about cruises, a few others have read the latest entries. I write about cruises because in my opinion, they are a pseudo-cultural event disguised as a cultural event. Now I have some people wanting to make comments such as, "check out this website on cruise information, its free, its fast, its easy, no obligation, call now and we will throw in not one oar, but two." No offense to anyone, but I am trying to take a critical look at cruise lines, not sell cruises. Also, if you love, love, love cruises, then by all means, bon voyage to you, start your own blog touting cruises. You are a big fan of Smokey the Steam Pipe? Tryouts are coming soon, knock yourself out.

If on the other hand you agree or disagree with the substance of what I am saying, or just want to say, "I'm king of the world," I will gladly publish your comments. Thanks.

Reason 2: False Chic Dinners

Being a bon viveur, I am truly excited about all things Gourmet. That's why the first night at dinner the menu stated the meals were the brain child of Jacques* something-or-another straight out of France, I was prepared to be amazed. The menu made my mouth water. I chose the smoked Salmon, lamb chops and crème brûlée.


First off I was not the sole person at my table to choose the smoked salmon. Another lady across from me said she had always wanted to try it, but never had. The smoked salmon had a hard texture and tasted funny. "I don't see why people rave about smoked salmon," the lady said pushing her plate away. She was right, it was not edible. Maybe she would have reacted the same to a proper smoked salmon, but in her mind this was a proper smoked salmon.


The lamb too cooked. There was not even a bit of pink. Shamefully, I had ordered the most expensive red wine on the menu (a Bourgogne) thinking it would go well with good lamb chops. About this time, I heard a load thump, and thought the boat hit something. In retrospect I know it was simply Escoffier rolling over in his grave.


Well at least there is the single most important food ever created by man, the crème brûlée. In my opinion, crème brûlée should be its own food group. The top of the crème brûlée was caramelized and beautiful. I cracked into the beautiful burnt sugary crust and all seemed well. I raised my spoon to my mouth, and discovered the creme was not smooth and creamy, but curdled, and egg smelling. Again, the person trying crème brûlée for her first time would probably assume this was crème brûlée.

I visited the dining room two more times before swearing it off, and eating hamburgers, Chinese food, and sandwiches for the rest of the trip. At least the cooks would be hard-pressed to screw those up. It was disheartening, but necessary for survival.

Sometimes phrases in French can more easily describe what had happened to the cuisine on this ship: Ils veulent péter plus haut que leurs culs.

*Some French name, you get the picture.

Reason 1: Smokey the Steam Pipe

First off, my reasons for my not liking cruises are in no certain order. In fact, this is not my numero uno ranked complaint, and the fact it is number one is arbitrary.

Okay, the big red double chimney-thingy on the Carnival ships is very tall and has black smoke pouring out of it. The billowing smoke can be seen for miles away at any of the excursions.

Hypothesis: A group of Carnival executives were sitting around the boardroom table, discussing how they could make their image greener. In a stroke of genius, some Carnival executive came up with the idea that instead of taking a step towards becoming greener, they would simply promote the idea that the big red double chimney-thingy is your friend. Master of spin, Smokey the Steam Pipe* was born.

Smokey the Steam Pipe quickly became the mascot for Carnival. He is on t-shirts, mugs, fridge magnets; a souvenir Smokey the Steam Pipe mug filled to the brim with rum punch can be purchased for a small fee; children's hats are made made in his image. People are crazy for Smokey the Steam Pipe. He is a diety. Yes, Smokey the Steam Pipe is the epitome of fun and destinations, therefore that billowing black smoke coming from the chimney's entrails cannot be bad, ya hear?
















*Funship Freddy is the actual name, and embodies the concept of the "Fun Day at Sea."

Skepticism and the Cruise

Its been a while since I last blogged. I really have no excuses, except sometimes it is difficult for a single young man to balance his social schedule with anything else.

I am a skeptic in general. I believe skepticism is a healthy and intellectual rigour as long as it doesn't cause you to become pessimistic or a pedant. Over the years I have been presented with opportunities to go on cruises, but have always skeptically dismissed them as "not my style." Instead of seeing a cruise as some magical connection with the past, a way to travel as in days of yore, a way to see many destinations at once, or an opportunity to relive scenes from Titanic, I imagined I would be like a prisoner who is told when to eat, sleep, and what to do. I imagined long lines to enter and exit the boat, a week of "hurrying up to wait," marching like good little ants and standing at attention when told to do so.

Disproving that what I have preconceived to be "not my style" is sometimes a worthy venture: I was also skeptical about doing all-inclusives in Mexico. But, I but discovered they are a great way to get out and see the reef, swim with the fish, scuba, practice Spanish, and besides, it is not far from home. I thought I would dislike Mexico, and especially the idea of all-inclusives, but they are a good, fun, cheap-and-easy fix, the people are nice, and willing to put up with my attempts at Es-pain-yole, and as a result I have gained Latin linguistic skill by leaps and bounds. All-inclusives may not reach the pinnacle of ideal vacations, but my time there was well spent, and I came away better for it.

I was presented, again, with the opportunity to cruise to Jamaica, Cayman Islands, and Cozumel. The trip was to be with a group of approximately 30 plus fun loving people. I decided if I was wrong about Mexico's all-inclusives, maybe I was wrong about cruising. It turns out to be worse than I ever imagined. I was right... only... wrong about how right I was.

I will tell you why I was wrong in the next posts....

Picardie Gem

While riding my bike in the area between Champagne and Picardie regions of France, in the department of Aisne, I came across several "ghost villages" with deserted buildings. I also came across this church which is small, and overgrown with tall grass. It was not constructed in the typical Champagne style, more of a Picardie style; However, you have to drive another half hour northwest to start seeing everything constructed from brick, it does not suddenly become so upon crossing the Champagne/Picardie border.

Although I am not a fan of brick in general, there is something about this little church that made me return time and time again to take photographs of it. I do not think it would be half as charming without being overgrown.

Weekend in Seattle

I watched the show "The Frugal Gourmet" for years before Jeff Smith (R.I.P.) was brought down by certain allegations. I still don't believe the allegations. I loved the show, and collected all of Smith's cookbooks. An idée fixe in the show was that a chef must use the freshest ingredients in order to make the best dishes. "Froogy" often went to Pike Place market in Seattle to obtain his fresh ingredients. I always wanted to go ever since I started watching the show.

I finally had an opportunity, and it was a fantastic experience. First let me say that one of the things I love about Europe is the smell of foods when out walking in the streets. I have experienced many American cities, but they are mostly absent these types of odors. In France, fish smells like the sea (not "fishy"). In America, it doesn't smell at all, it is absent odor. Where did it go? Is it natural for fish to be absent odor? How did the fish become sans odor? Anyway, Seattle, around and in the area of Pike Place had all kinds of real odors that brought me to a temporary state of euphoria. I could smell flowers, fish, spices, vegetables, fruits, roasted meats, the yeasty smell of baking, and the nearby Puget Sound.

Of course, as exciting as it was to see all this freshness, I couldn't exactly wrap a fish up and take it home, as much as I would have liked to do so. Instead I purchased raw hard honey, and hard lavender honey, and an infused balsamic vinegar. One week later, and I have almost finished the raw hard honey which I have been taking in my morning tea, and every cup reminds me of Seattle.